Lisa is standing behind me, hovering with tea, hopefully. Damn't. "Fine, I won't hover, you can write what you really think."

She's been doing do-jump, a trapeze show and has worked out 16 hours in this week alone. I admire her determination, and wish I was on a team of some sort. It's nice just hanging out with her without her sister, you see a different side.

Hung out with Joel all day today. Well, after Aron came over and played Soul Caliber II. "The soul still burns." We played and had fun, he ruffled my hair. I don't know what to think of Aron when he does stuff like that. I really hope he doesn't have feelings for me like that again, because I love that kid, but not in that way.

Joel called at around three, "Are we still hanging out today?"

Mmm. His voice is so low and syrupy.

I showered and shaved my legs and tried to look pretty. I'd just finished blowdrying my hair when the doorbell rang. I pulled on the sweats I'd slept in and my soccer shirt without a bra and bounded down the stairs. "Someone answer the fucking door!"

He's tall and dark and in his sweater. I have to rush to clean up my room and I'm only wearing mascara. I change into extremely baggy bomber capris and a striped shirt.

We watch some of his home movies, they are hilarious and backwards and artsy. We are both really nervous but we smile a lot. He shows me some FFX music videos he made, because he's an obsessor like me on the game. There are final cut scenes that I haven't seen yet (still haven't beat the game) and I bury myself in him in order not to see. He holds me tight and I tickle him, he's ticklish like a little girl. He plays my FFX for me for a really long time, we get really in depth and soon I'm laying with my legs sprawled out on his lap and the vibrating controller is buzzing against my calf.

I turn off the game, and if it weren't for my siblings, would have just jumped on him. He was like a giant slice of chocolate cake, warm and catching it's scent in a summer breeze. I wanted to eat him so bad, but had to swallow dinner first. "Ritual requires that we go on multiple platonic outings before we have sex..." -A Beautiful Mind

Mmm... he just looked so good. He has such nice abs and this trail of hair..

We went in my room and he sat on my bed. We read each other's writing for a while, me pouring over his beautiful, dark words. He's so good it makes me horribly jealous.

I run my fingers up and down his arm, "God, you're so ripped."

"It's hilarious, people always ask me if I work out and stuff-"

"You don't?!"

"No! It's ridiculous! You wanna see this shit?"

He jumps off the bed and completely rips off his shirt. Flexes. I'm stunned beyond belief and I feel the blood draining from my limbs and my face as it heads south.

Tendons ripple in his arms, defintion in his stomach, muscles catching the warm lighting.

"All genetics."

"Um, yah, wow."

I was too shocked to even move. I should have run forward and licked him all over. He puts his shirt back on and I'm sad to see his upper body go.

He picked up the phone to call his friend, which meant he had to leave soon. He drops the phone accidently and just as he retrieves it I wrap my fingers around the hilt of the phone, slam it down, and just kiss him.

It's amazing and warm and soft, and I forget that he's never done it before. I pull away quivering, bury my head in his thigh and shake happily. We are breathing heavily and I look him in the face, "Wow."

I pull him onto the bed with me and we just lie there. I wrap his arm around me and he gets the picture. "Here, put your hand here and here." I'm lying on his chest.

"So, what is this called?" He smiles.

"This is called comfortable," I laugh; "Crouching dog, relaxed lotus... I don't know!"

We do this for a while. I turn around in his arms and I'm envoloped by his huge limbs. It's do different from what I'm used to. I keep forgetting that he's never done this before.

He ends up giving me a massage... oh. god.

"I'm going to have a back-gasm!"

"You have such nice skin. Beautiful."

We only makeout, and as he's kissing down my throat I say, "You're going to have to get out before I mount you." He had to leave soon and I was supposed to be "changing."

In a good way; I feel like I'm teaching him everything, he's so enthused and he basically worships my body because it's his first. I love it.

We stop for a while and just talk. We have the funniest conversations.

"You seem to be a lot cooler than both of your siblings."

"I know, the overweight gene just seemed to have skipped me-"

Just as I say that my little brother says loudly from the next room, "Where'd all the cookies go?"

This strikes us both as hilarious and we laugh together enthusiastically. My legs are draped over his, making perpendicular lines. We talk about cave-people sex relations; the woman wanting the most powerful and not necessarily the most handsome man, the man wanting the most beautiful woman to father his children because it's his life goal to procreate.

He kisses my forehead softly and it doesn't feel wrong. ^_^

It's 6 am and I haven't slept all night. Dess and Lisa are snoring next to me. We are awaiting the sunrise, and I wonder; What if it doesn't rise today?

What if the only day that I was able to watch the rising of it, it decides not to?

That's really egotistical and self-centered, but really, like the Chilli Peppers said; "Do you ever wonder if it's all for you?"

The edges of my eyes keep flickering. Everyone but me is asleep. It's a weird feeling. I have to drain all of this Joel from me. It's gnawing at me, making my loins throb.

Dess is insanely jealous. It shouldn't, but it makes me happy. "He's so hot, he looks like Donnie Darko." She's not the type to just say that, either. Flickered again. When Dess and I were lying in bed her stomach kept jumping beneath me, and I wondered if I was imagining it. Sleep deprivation does things to a person.

I'm so happy.

Warm, flowing cream. All day with you.

Hands creeping up shirts until I forget whose arm they're attached to. Skin dissapearing beneath fingertips and palms. You're not Cal, I'm not confusing you with him. You are you. Nervous laughter. "You can't worry so much about what other people think. Relax."

You can't control what other people think of you, it just happens.